Trigger icon applied for mention of cutting and suicidal ideation.

I have been hesitant to post this week, because therapy has been beyond difficult and I have been somewhat in pieces and stuck in my head so to speak. Today the pieces finally came together for a change and I came into T's office feeling more like myself than I have in a while. I was able to engage in conversation and hold onto myself throughout.

He has been pushing me about stopping cutting. He keeps likening it to drinking which annoys me. I keep trying to tell him it is different, but we both agree that for me it has become a habit. I told T that with alcohol, someone wants to change their mood or get high. With cutting, it brings me TO ground zero. It grounds me. He is bothered by the secrecy involved with cutting. I have told him that the secrecy is because it is not socially accepted like alcohol. He gets that but he just doesn't want me to be alone in it. AND he doesn't want to be the "only" one I tell. I told him today that I had to take some of my own advice (that I recently gave to a 5 yo) and learn to use my words instead of cutting myself. When I have the urge to cut, T wants me to try to delay it long enough for me to sort of "get over" the spell I am in or long enough to get engaged in something else like a meditation or what ever it is I choose.

I also feel that I need to take greater risks in therapy. In this way I can begin to use words and begin to let out some of the stress I hold in ALL THE TIME.

So, how do I know I held onto myself today? Ohhh, the other day I left T a message about whether he thought I should increase my anti D. The reason I asked him was because Pdoc is on vacation and it is not unusual for me & T to discuss my meds, and I have had a difficult time with suicidal ideation again recently. So, this evening I go, "So what do you think, should I increase?" And he goes, "I don't know, you know best." (He was a tad snotty...an ability of his.) So, I look at him and I say, "Are you going to bust my chops tonight? Don't. I feel good."