Two years ago, I was suddenly abandoned by the man I'd been with for 15 years. Yeah, yeah, I know everyone here has heard this 8 zillion times, but I am trapped in the tape.

I used to tell this man that he was "the best person I'd ever known." He was kind and usually generous of spirit. My family loved him so much that my mother cried when she learned he was gone.

He left 5 weeks after I was diagnosed with a lifetime illness and lost my job -- a job that was supposed to purchase his freedom from his.

As I called his oldest friends, I learned that no one knew where he was. I asked if they had known this was going to happen, and they said no. One woman had her husband -- a friend who is like a brother -- call him to talk to him.

His phone calls were coming from Monterey (hey, I'm an ex-reporter, I know how to trace an area code). And it started to register that he had a friend from college there, whom he'd been comforting because, coincidentally, her husband of 15 years left her.

I asked him if he was living with her. He denied it vehemently. I emailed her with the question; she gave a slimy double-talk answer. I repeated the question and she never responded.

It's taken this long using inexpensive internet public records searches, but I've finally tracked down his Monterey address -- and there is no surprise ending to this story.

Only the surprise that upon confirming what was obviously a lie from the start, all the pain has come up again.

I have been so terribly hurt by all this,I honestly don't see how I can ever have an intimate relationship again with a man. It's hard enough for a middle-aged woman to have a romantic relationship, and one who looks upon intimacy with a male as repugnant is hardly a candidate for romance.

And yet I feel cheated by my feelings. I don't want to have these feelings that I hope he burns in hell forever. I don't want to believe that all men are untrustworthy dog turds. Because that means that I am the one who is burning, doesn't it?

How do I get past this? How oh how?