When I was a little child I became invisible. The invisibility was both self and externally imposed. The self imposed invisibility was a self protective mechanism designed to shield me from the pain of abuse and the loneliness of neglect. I would often go into my own little world of fantasy. It was such a nice place. The externally imposed invisibility came from massive invalidation of being, from my mother, siblings, and other family members.

As an adult I know that my power is in being visible but I find that it is so painful to be seen at times. Yesterday, T asked me if I wanted to be visible. It was such a thought provoking question because in my heart I knew that often the answer is no. Making myself invisible is a habitual pattern that doesn't really serve the best needs of the adult self. I asked T why we had to be visible and he said that we are neurologically wired as social beings and we need to attach because we find ourselves through relationships with others. I think at that moment I was the little girl me saying, "why?"

I know I am very attached to T. I cannot fathom, yet know it is inevitable, that this too will end. Why?