that you had been able to love me.... I wanted your love more.. that anything in the world.... anniversery dates are difficult for me Dad..your passing.... I 'see' you as the very old man that you were when you passed... your heart full of regret.. for the manner in which you lived... and today... after all these years.. my heart full of sorrow.. for the little boy... that you once were... the little boy.. that suffered so very, very much...I cry.. for that little boy... mourn.. what you, yourself suffered..

Yes.. by a mircle of God... a person... "taught" me "love".. this past week.... I have never in my lifetime... felt... that... blessing...
I feel God's love... yes... though I have never felt "people" love.. and...

I consider myself.. so very blessed that I got to feel this before my own passing... something.. that you my Dad.. never felt.. in your own lifetime...so very, vert sad..

I thought.. myself to be "unloveable"... put on this Earth by God.. loved by God.. but not by mankind...

And.. I am so very blessed.. to know.. that I am loveable....and loved..

The feeling of such incredible... warmth... that love brings.. I wish.. wish.. I could have shared it with you.. so that your heart.. would have healed before you passed...

I struggle this weekend....anxiety ridden... all week.... yet.. I have changed over this past year... and.. am ok...

This.. past week Dad.. changed.. all the pain.. that you inflicted on me...perhaps... the ever present nightmares.. will ease...

And.. this is the very first time in my lifetime... I have ever.. spoken to you.. as my Dad...

So... forgiveness.. all around.. for you.. for me...

my heart.. has healed...