last session was really intense. i missed the one on monday 'cause i was still sulking or something, i guess. was thinking it would be easier (for me emotionally) to withdraw from him rather than going through a deep sense of abandonment and isolation and like the bottom had fallen out of my world. missing the session was about as painful as going to see him, though. so i went in on friday.

he had supervision about what was going on with us. figuring out what to make of / how to use the counter-transference feelings, i guess. he wanted to share the interpretation that made sense for him in the supervision session, i guess. i want to say (fairly clearly) that he delivered it very gently and he was clear (and seeming to be very genuine) in not blaming me at all. he also said that it was just one take... and that there could be others... and it was a starting point for further investigation rather than a final word.

he said that my mother placed a lot of demands on me that i was unable to meet. and he felt (very gently) that i had placed a lot of demands on him and / or that he had gone beyond what he would usually do to accommodate me. like... arranging a sliding scale, having email contact, having phone contact including phone sessions, even moving the furniture around to help me feel more comfortable. and he realized... that it wasn't that he was trying to do behavior modification with his not having a phone session with me... it was more that he felt that was more than he could meet.

he said something about how he really WASN'T saying that he had been abused (by me in this situation, i guess). and he did acknowledge that I didn't ASK him to do some of the stuff (like his moving the furniture). but i guess the thought is that he was FEELING a little abused, like he was going out of his way to be accommodating and that the more he did that the more he felt like he needed to do...

i had never really thought of this. i guess i understand about projective identification rationally and i've read a couple case studies illustrating it... but examples in the literature always seem so blatant and obvious whereas this seems much more subtle... but maybe that is just because things seem blatant and obvious when they are going on with OTHER people. whereas it is much harder to make sense of oneself...

i... i wasn't sure what to make of it really. i guess i have an interpretation but it is quite different. at least... it seemed so initially. i was thinking it was about my being scared of feeling abandoned. but then i thought... sometimes needs conflict. such that a persons needs can't be met. story of my life... and maybe it does tie in with this after all...

my mother did make demands that i couldn't meet. but in a sense the demands were legitimate - in the sense that she had legitimate needs that really did need to be met. only... i couldn't meet them. i tried... but i couldn't. helpless. i just wanted to curl up and die really. and i do feel like in a sense there really is nothing he can do to help me. i have needs that no person possibly could meet. he can't partly because of the limitations of his role (as dinah was saying before) but i also think that i have needs that really no human could meet. and i feel helpless once more. helpless to meet the demands of others (such as his 'demand' that i attend a session when i was sick). helpless that he can't meet my 'demand' (that he do a phone session with me). and of course he feels helpless to meet the 'demand' too, and helpless that he has the 'demands' he has.

and... is this the 'depressive position' that is meant to be a partial resolution? i think it IS what i defend against... that feeling that has me curled up into a little ball just willing myself out of existence. that feeling... there isn't anything that can be done. and it seems to me that... that is what it is to be alive. was like that for my father. was like that for my mother. was like that for me. and now... it is like that for my therapist too. not that i'm 'contaminating' exactly... but i don't see how there is anything to be done. and i feel numb and depressed and helpless... and i'm pretty sure that (when it comes to me) he does too.

what is to be done?

i don't understand.