Hullo,
First, thanks so much for the kind and supportive PMs recently. They mean a lot more than you probably realize. I'm going through a depressive cycle myself right now, and can't seem to clear it. All I do is go to work and come home and sleep. And sleep. And try to sleep some more even though I'm slept out.

I understand all too well how difficult it is to maintain the "mask" at work. Last spring, mine began to come apart almost continuously, and bp behaviors more and more consistently ran out of control. My boss finally told be to take a day off, that I was proving to be a source of upset in the office. I took the day off, convinced myself that I was about to be fired, and slit my left wrist. As I started to black out, I dialed 911 and managed to get the EMS people and cops to my apartment just in time. I emphatically DON'T recommend that you let things get so bad that your thinking gets as distorted as mine did. After spending some time in the psych lock-up ward under watch, I was released. And to tell you the truth, I think the hospitalization saved my life (beyond just the fact that the surgeons sewed three of my veins back together). It proved to be not at all like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" or "Girl Interrupted," and instead was 24/7 source of comfort, support, and learning.

I hope you're not thinking of hurting yourself in any way, but if the thought even breezes through your mind momentarily, get to the nearest ER as quickly as possible and let them know. I waited too long, trying to tough it out, and that proved to be the biggest -- and almost the last -- mistake of my life.

I agree that the abyss is a terrible place to be. I'm slipping into it now. My last poem on Creative was about the onset of a depressive cycle. Please feel free to PM me anytime, but if things really do get too dark for you to handle, don't try to go it alone, and don't rely on a cyber message board.

I eventually found the strength after the hospitalization to explain everything to my boss (obviously, not all bosses are the kind of people amenable to this, so use your best judgment). This had the dual effect of making my sometimes erratic behavior comprehensible to her and also put me under the protection of the federal American with Disabilities Act, which legally prohibits discrimination against people with mental illnesses.

In any case, I'm in your corner to offer what help and advice I can. Just please don't repeat my error and let things go too far if you feel like you're coming apart. I know that feeling precisely. I'm experiencing it even as I write this. Take care. Cheshire Cat