It has been a while since my son was young and beginning to build his own life as even young children do, but yes I can relate. When his life began unfolding I felt the contrictions of my own life, and I felt the desires I had for wanting people close to me.

I think you have identified this yourself in your post when you mention that you would like a long tern relationship with a man. I think you're feeling the absence of that when your son is away. If you had someone very close in your life like that, you would have that person there even when your son is away enjoying his friendships as you are happy for him to do.

Also your mentioning your mom and your desire to not be dependent like her says that you're thinking of the future, seeing how your son being away for a short time is going to become a time when he is living fully independent... and you're thinking about what your life will be like then and I think you're wondering how you can begin to prepare for that so that it's the life you want to have. I think you see the gap now between where you are and where you want to be. You're awarenesses are very keen.

This is a wonderful area to explore and get help with in therapy if you have a therapist. You can work together on reaching for the stars!