i hate it when you know that t is going to get some information and there is that panicky feeling that it will change everything and they will terminate or emotionally withdraw or whatever. so hard... but it does sound like you are doing really well (even though i understand that it really is very hard).

i dunno about calling... i really do understand the desire... and i'm sure she would reassure you. i know that emotionally it doesn't feel like it... but do you think that rationally she would reassure you too? maybe... you could spend some time imagining / visualizing that and trying to remember how much she cares about you? maybe that would help a bit? hang in there...