Thank you for replies.

Bits and pieces sometimes come back to me... it terrifies me of what I've buried in my head (and I am not someone who is scared easily).

It's probably playing with fire, but if I wanted to reach my father, I know how, although I don't really think asking him would be a reliable source (nor one I really want to get involved with again as he is involved in memories). Curiosity killed the dingo.