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(((((((kim, Sunrise, Foreverlost)))))))))

as soon as i woke up again, i had decided that i can't call. i'm too ashamed and embarrassed. i don't want md to tell her at all and i don't want to have to talk about it. but i already sent an email explaining my fears (w/o the bulk of the knowledge) so i put myself into a corner.

I've been trying to see if i could even post the knowledge in here - but i worry i'd be rejected. it's probably not as bad as i make it out to be (which in a way is worse, making me a hysteric or something).

ok.... i'll try. it is about the house i live in with mom. it's unkempt, chaotic and therefore unclean. I don't have enough physical strenght these days to change it and mom (who i live with for financial reasons mostly) is unable to do anything because of her mental state (i think). So i am ashamed to live the way we do (i mean i know there is worse) and more ashamed to tell my care team. That's why i didn't tell t - she's a nurse and is very rigid about clean. She'd take one look at this pigsty and run the other way - probably all the way to social services and have us inspected. Which is what concerns me. And fearing that, I've tried to do some cleaning - and nearly blacked out from fatigue.
So that's today's big bad secret - which i am both undermining and creating into mt everest at alternating times.
I do need help getting out of here and away from mom's clinginess and emotional problems... and i am embarrassed to ask for help. for a lot of reasons. We've pretty much lived this way all our lives, so i don't even know how to do it different - but i am trying. and i think, in my own place, with the right skill set and support, i can do better.