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Kiya said:

ok.... i'll try. it is about the house i live in with mom. it's unkempt, chaotic and therefore unclean. I don't have enough physical strenght these days to change it and mom (who i live with for financial reasons mostly) is unable to do anything because of her mental state (i think). So i am ashamed to live the way we do (i mean i know there is worse) and more ashamed to tell my care team. That's why i didn't tell t - she's a nurse and is very rigid about clean. She'd take one look at this pigsty and run the other way - probably all the way to social services and have us inspected. Which is what concerns me. And fearing that, I've tried to do some cleaning - and nearly blacked out from fatigue.
So that's today's big bad secret - which i am both undermining and creating into mt everest at alternating times.
I do need help getting out of here and away from mom's clinginess and emotional problems... and i am embarrassed to ask for help. for a lot of reasons. We've pretty much lived this way all our lives, so i don't even know how to do it different - but i am trying. and i think, in my own place, with the right skill set and support, i can do better.

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Kiya, I'm sort of sitting here, open-mouthed as I read this because of the striking similarities to my own experience-- the big difference being that I moved out of my house when I was 20.

My mom's house (and, frankly, also, my mom) are also unkempt and unclean. After 3 years with my T, I have barely been able to describle this to him in direct words. I am so embarrassed, mostly because I see it, somehow, as a reflection of me-- like, if I tell him that my mom doesn't clean the house or take care of herself, then he will assume that I don't clean my house or take care of myself.

Today is session, he actually said to me, "You are not your mom. You have a far more interesting job, and better shoes." LOL. We weren't even talking about the cleanliness thing, but he knows how I tend to get scared that I am my mother, in many different circumstances.

My mom is also the way that she is because of her mental state. Talking with T about the way she is verses the way that I am helps me to differentiate. It helps me realize all of the ways we are different, and the reasons why I will NOT be going down the path that she did.

I have a lot of trouble dealing with this issue. When I go back to visit my family, I cannot even go into the house because it bothers me so much. I have dreams about the condition of the house. I so understand where you are coming from. Although I do talk with my T about my mom, it is difficult, and I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I have never even told my husband directly about the severity of her lack of self-care-- I mean, he knows about it because he has seen my mother four billion times in the seven years we have been together-- but I haven't been able to come out and say certain things because, again, I feel like it is too much a reflection on me.

(((((((((((((((((((((KIYA)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))