anxiety is my biggest foe. i am doomed to repeat everything over and over if i do not find a way to conquer the anxiety. Seriously.. it drives me into such deep despair. Last night i was plagued with suicidal ideation... unable to calm myself.

i am at a loss...

i bought the panic and anxiety workbook.. i am determined to read it and try whatever it suggests. i meditate. i walk. i try to deep beath... imagery. Everything.

i am considering a partial hysterectomy.. ovaries only... because so much of what i suffer is hormonal based.

i cant keep going like this. 3/4 of my life is spent in half crazy... i dont know what else to do.

i am going to talk to T about how we can tackle this. i am willing to try *anything* at this point.

i quit my job. i had to. My spine couldn't handle it. My chiro said STOP and right now. i am in despair. Money is going to be a huge issue for me for the next while. i have to have confidence in my abilities to find ways to make it on my own.. run my own business.. run my own life.. gain independence. But i am so afraid, so anxious, i am incapable of doing what i need to because i cant focus.. i am too scared.

i met the nicest, most adorable guy i have ever seen. i dont tend to notice guys.. i tend to tune out that stuff... but this guy bowled me over. i stammered and stared. But it occurred to me that i am just not what a guy like him would ever want... i have too much baggage.. i am too dependent finacially.. i am just not "date" material. That depressed me a lot.

i don't even know if a T can help with this stuff Can they help rebuild a whole person?