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Old Jul 05, 2008, 03:40 PM
pinksoil
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Posts: n/a
........ME! Hahaha

Me vs. Me is:

the dissociation, as a result of overwhelming feelings taking over in session

vs.

my ability to fight against myself and say, "No, I don't want this. You are going to say HERE."

This happened in session today. I was talking with T about something that happened between me and H last night, and suddenly I found that everything in the room looked strange and unreal. I could feel myself getting ready to "check out." I knew that I would yearn for physical pain to bring me back.

I told T, "I don't want to go away. I need to be here." He told me to stand up to change the way things looked, to get a sense of reality. T and I both stood up. Then I sat down in a different chair. I was ringing my hands and having an internal fight of reality vs. dissociation. I chose reality. I remembered that T said to connect to something that is real. I immediately thought to remember the phone conversation that I had with my Dad yesterday-- I knew that it was real, it existed, and it would make me smile-- so I could tell T about that. I was able to picture myself talking to my Dad on phone-- where I was, what I was wearing, what I was holding, what I said-- and I started to tell T.

Reality set in. I began to smile and laugh as I told T some of the stuff that my Dad and I talked about. T was so happy that I was able to make this connected, and reminded me that only three weeks ago, I was not able to do this. He said, "You can do this now because you are stronger." He is right. I am not fragile. For a long time, I thought I was. But I'm not.

I have learned, in the the three weeks, that therapy will not work unless you make a choice. If you do not make that choice, you can still reach a high level of insight and awareness. However, for a change to take place I had to make a conscious decision that I was ready for it-- that I was no longer afraid to get better. I had to begin to use my mind for the strength of which it is capable.

I also have a lot of crappy %#@&#! going on at home and I decided that, no longer, am I going to allow external factors determine so much of my mood.

I am not a day-counter, but I can say that it has been over two weeks that I have self-injured. I am going to respect my body and be proud that I can experience and tolerate my intense emotions. I have worked to allow myself to feel them, so why should I take it out on my body when I do?