I've figured it out....probably very obvious to everyone else here but that's me, always a mile behind everyone else.
I self harm for control. Not to control other people but to control something else...i don't know what. I've been doing really great recently, not been self harming at all but more than that, i've not had any urges to SH. But the other day i had to go to the post office and (in short) the woman behind the counter had to tell me some basic stuff (e.g. the difference between recorded and special delivery)...this made me feel dumb. During this time i get a call from my dad telling me the drs had called whilst trying to get him to provide me with another number of someone else - all on pretty much no credit. All of this is pretty mundane i know, but for me i felt so dumb and started spinning out of control. I ended up buying other stuff i didn't need and forgot the stuff i did need to get. Yes, i know this is all very boring.....and i doubt other people freak from having to post a letter!
Plus that night i got a call from my friend inviting me to a wedding tomorrow - it is late notice because i haven't been picking up the phone through fear of talking to her (no reason for this, i just sometimes cannot find the mentality to talk). I can't wait to go to but at the same time i feel i'm losing more control because it is spontaneous and requires finding out train and bus times. Plus i now have the fear of talking (it happens every so often) so now i'm really scared that my mind and body may go into detached mode and i'll spend the entire time trying to be 'in' the situation but actually having to take breathers in the toilet.

I know all of this is pretty lame to SH over but my body seems to go into stress mode and try and claim back some control. I hope i do not sound too wierd when i say this but sometimes having a bandaged up cut that i can hold on to helps me feel together when i'm out there in the world. I pray that underneath all that is not my need to have a secret...but i don't think it is. I don't hide my SH scars, but then again i've not added to them for awhile....

Stay strong everyone, thinking of you all. Sorry i'm not around much...my fear of talking and making any kind of imprint seems to have set in with this site....but you should see me with facebook - i have a panic attack when i see the address! wierd....

ps - sorry this is such a dumb post...probably shouldn't have written it.