hey. my niece went through this as well... my mother... well... we had collections of (what i like to think of as 'junk') fairly much everywhere... two thirds of a double garage was piled to the ceiling with stuff that had been accumulated (mostly from her parents death). but... the place was clean, i guess, and not a fire hazard. whereas with my niece... 'fire hazard', they said...

i understand about how you can feel 'dirty' and to blame - even when it isn't your issue. it sucks to have demands put on us (e.g., the demand to clean up) that we simply can't meet (e.g., it is beyond your role as the kid, and probably beyond your capacity too). leaves us feeling... dirty and deficient. and feels like... a big secret... that if others find out then they will see us as dirty and deficient too, and that they will reject us.

everyone has stuff like that sweetie. everyone. i'm not at all saying this to undermine how hard it is for you. just saying it by way of reassuring you that (i'm pretty damn sure) that everyone has something about them that is hard (oh so hard) like that. even if your t rejected you on the basis of this that would signify that she hadn't dealt with that same issue in herself (e.g., that she couldn't cope with the feelings of her own inadequacy and deficiency and failing). it is hard... but i'm pretty damned sure that she won't at all be disgusted with you or blame you over this. pretty damned sure. but then... i put myself in your position and i understand the absolute terror...

> I did call T. And MD also. (messages to both) I told them both I am ready. I see i need help and i am ready to take those steps and get out of here.

that is awesome. you hang in there. my heart goes out to you.