I did email him a couple things... wasn't sure if i should have or not... but i did...

one thing was that i said that i think we needed to talk again about email / phone contact. because... well... he clearly feels that i've been placing demands on him that he can't meet. and the sticking point became my request to have a phone session with him. and so... i think we need to revisit the whole email / phone contact thing... see what the boundaries are.

it is hard... i accept that he FEELS like i've been placing demands on him that he can't meet. from my perspective... i don't think i have placed `demands' on him at all. i've been wracking my brain / heart over that, and i don't think i've been `demanding'. of course... i might be wrong... i have made some requests. those requests have been hard for me precisely because i don't want to come across as `demanding'. so i've simply `requested' (in a fairly quiet voice all poised for him to say `no'). with respect to the phone thing... and with respect to the email thing...

i think the thing is... that the more hesitantly i ask... perhaps... the more he sees it as a `demand'. i mean... that if i `demanded' in a more traditional sense (of really being forceful in the way i ask and / or saying `if you don't do this then i'll be devastated and / or hurt myself) then it would (perhaps?) be that much easier for him to see me as being unfairly demanding and thus easier for him to say `no'. whereas... when i ask all poised for him to deny me... when i'm poised to feel dejected and bad for asking... maybe that feels more like a sort of `insidious' or `manipulative' demand for him. one that he can't possibly deny... maybe i'm over-thinking it... i just don't see how i have been `demanding' in any traditional sense so i'm needing to do the mental gymnastics to see how i may have been...

i never asked him to move the furniture to help me feel more comfortable. that was his suggestion. i... wasn't that comfortable about him doing it truth be told... but he offered. and he did it. and... it did help me feel better (maybe that he did do that but also because it felt like we were 'together' rather than his 'facing / confronting' me). but i certainly didn't demand (or even request) that he move the furniture. did i demand that he DO SOMETHING to help me feel better? perhaps... but that was along the lines of BACK OFF AND STOP PUSHING SO HARD. so... i don't know.

i guess... from what he said... the counter-transference seemed to be that he felt i placed demands on him that he could not meet. that he felt... helpless to meet. and then felt frustrated / angry / inadequate in virtue of not being able to meet them. that was how he felt. in response to me. and i guess that what is left for me to do is to figure out my contribution / role in that. while realizing that part of it might be his %#@&#!.

i guess it is testament to how much he wants to help me. that he feels inadequate to do a hell of a lot with respect to that. i guess... i often feel inadequate in the face of my needs (in the sense that i don't see what i can do to help me meet them). and i guess... he does too. maybe the thing for me is (kinda like Kiya had a thing)... maybe the thing for me is... that i feel like i have needs that i'm bad to have. needs that simply are too demanding. and i don't see how on earth they can be met. and i feel bad for having them because if someone knows i have them then they only will feel inadequate in response because they are too great to be met. and so inadequacy... and grieving the inadequacy. maybe that is all that there is to be done. and maybe... i was attempting to induce that feeling in him. and... maybe some rage? i felt pretty angry at him for not giving me a phone session... i guess i do feel pretty angry / frustrated that i have these needs that can't be met. and i guess anger / frustration comes through as well as despair / withdrawal / hopelessness.

and maybe anger is the way forward. i read that the opposite of depression isn't happiness. it is VITALITY. anger / frustration is a vital emotion. it is assertive. it asserts ones existence. maybe that is the thing. i don't understand the depressive position, i've realized. i don't understand how it is a step forward towards resolution. to my mind... it is what everything is arranged around defending against. defending against coming to grips with the hopelessness... seeing that there really is nothing that can be done... realizing that death is the only way out. thats what i'm dealing with anyway... maybe that isn't the depressive position after all. maybe others can handle it better than me so they can grieve for it and yet move forwards at the same time. i can't seem to do this... though... something is needed for that forward movement. something assertive of existence... maybe anger / frustration is precisely that. something VITAL even if unpleasant.

if anyone finds anything at all on `where to' from the depressive position then could ya let me know?

why can't i take comfort / solace in the fact that he is trying to help me? that he feels depressed / hurt / angry that he can't? that he cares about me THAT MUCH that i'm able to affect him so? why isn't that comforting in itself? to know that a person cares THAT MUCH to want to make things all better for me if only they could? i guess... i do take comfort in that... but... i feel like what is so hard for me is LIFE. that LIVING IS TO SUFFER. that to be alive is to have needs where to have those needs frustrated / not met is... unconsolable. that it just makes the position even worse that he can't console me that he can't do anything... that that is the nature of the position. that other people caring doesn't matter. doesn't really help.

and that is awful isn't it? why can't i take some comfort in the fact that he cares? BECAUSE HE IS LEAVING ME AND I'LL BE ALL ALONE AGAIN. and doens't matter how much he is there for me now (only makes it harder cause the contrast will be greater). the more he tries to help the more i'm going to be losing. why can't i just take comfort in what he is offering me now and have some faith / trust in the world that other people will step up to the plate in future when he isn't there? because i've been dropped (and left there not picked up by anyone) for so much of my life. and... i don't know what is to be done. i wish... he was a little kid and i could console him in the way that kids simply can be consoled and happy in the moment. in the moment... i'm losing the moment... back to the seven years of the torture of being dropped...

i'm sorry t... i love you... but to love is to hurt. and i wish i was numb. don't think i was ever numb in session actually... the heavy wasn't numb... it was HURT. HURT. I hurt so much. the more you care about me the more i hurt. because the more it becomes apparent that i haven't had that much caring in my life. and... those times haunt me. all tied up in present times too. and nobody can care about me in the moment right now... maybe 'cause... it will destroy those past aspects of me? maybe... i'm terrified of that. i can't leave them. everybody else did. everybody else left them. what got me through was saying to myself over and over and over every night I WILL NEVER FORGET. I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. maybe because... being present with caring in the moment... is to abandon those past pains of myself. and... i can't let them be alone. i promised. i can't do it. if i do it now... they never will have survived back then. and this... doesn't make any sense.

and maybe the 'i can't go on... i must go on... i'll go on...' maybe how that is realized... is with the rage. 'cause rage is the only vitality i know. at the mo all my hatred is invested in bob. maybe i need to take some of that back and hate my t... only... i don't want to hurt / kill him. i don't... i don't... but if i hurt him then maybe he'll feel angry with me. and then... in the face of the realities of life where we won't see each other anymore... maybe then... in the face of that... we will go on. relatively unaffected by each others absence. maybe thats it.