and i think kohut thought that something like this was bedrock. that everything else... was arranged around defending from this feeling of aloneness and isolation and fragmentation and painful disorganization. i thought this was supposed to be bedrock and that everything else was arranged around defending against that.

but then surely the depressive position isn't about facing up to that? i'm not sure how much kohut thought a person should face up to it / feel it... maybe... i'm not sure... making stuff up here... the thought was to have more adaptive / healthier defenses against it... but that it always did need to be defended against... because otherwise... how are you supposed to go on?

maybe it is the same thing or maybe it is not. maybe facing up to what you are structured around defending is to help you see what the defensive structures are... the defensive moves you employ... and maybe then you can assess their adequacy... and maybe then you are placed to learn different defensive moves... different ones that really do help. so... if someone saying nice building up and nurturing things to you helps... then it is about defending against the feeling by doing something that makes it more rather than less likely that a person will respond to you in that way. someone tries to help you... reinforce that rather than demean it... because if you don't reinforce it then you won't get more of it...

why do i feel like i have to be alone and unconsolable in order to be true to myself? that that is facing up to things... that not feeling that feeling is deceiving myself... is not being true to myself... is abandoning the hurt parts of myself? why... i don't understand. maybe its 'cause i'm supposed to learn to console myself. internalize how others console me and apply that to myself. internalization... feels like cheating somehow... leaning on the railing when you need a crutch. i'm not sure... he did feel it i think. he does feel it i think. why do i feel like i need to convince him that thats how bad things really were / are? there can't be a solution... there can't be a solution. why can't there be a solution? why is there being a solution NOW being untrue to the PAST? this doens't make sense. maybe some parts... this is the only being they know. this feeling... without this feeling... there isn't anything more to them than that. either they exist or they don't. why do i care about them so much? they just want to die. why can't i... just let them. just let them go.