I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I wold be devastated as my husband & I have been together since I was 15 & he was 16 & have been married for 34 years. We have had our share of rough times due to my bipolar disorder, but our problems have never caused either of us to seek out an emotional or sexual relationship with another person.

I'm in indiv. therapy & DBT & we have had marital counseling together. We've raised 2 beautiful childen & have a strong sense of loyalty & commitment. When he had some major health problems a couple years ago he knew I was not going anywhere. I was going to be there right by his side no matter what the outcome. And., as I said, despite how difficult my bipolar episodes can be he is there (even to the point of having to take me to the ER after an overdose) & then will comfort me & help me regain some stability & conquer the shame I feel afterwards.

My daughter's husband did have a one-night stand (only once as far as she knows--he confessed to it--felt quilty & was drunk at the time), but since then she has found him looking at inappropriate web sites--not really "porn" but just scantily dressed young women, like teens & college-aged (she's 31 & very attractive but she is no longer a teenager!)... So her self-esteem is in the gutter & she's very hurt & wondering if her husband is that superficial that he is willing to hurt her to by doing these things (as she is now feeling very vulnerable & like he is not happy with her physically). After the affair, he was very sorry & for months tried to show her his love & appreciation of her, but now he's doing this...

She's very hurt & has gone into therapy to see if she wants to stay married as she really doesn't want to continue to feel like this. He has agreed to go to marital counseling too, but she is concerned that his behavior seems to be a pattern & an immature one. If he can't control his impulses that he knows hurt her...

I know a lot of people would say that it is no big deal, but to her it is a big deal & violates her values & the kind of relationship she wants in a marriage & what she thought she had with this fellow. They have been married for 5 years. They went to law school together & she is a law prof & he is a practicing attorney in a law firm.

They've travelled quite extensively together on almost non-existant budgets eating boiled eggs & rice (camping), but loving the experiences they had--like 3 mos. in a little fishing village in Mexico. before attending law school.

I agree with her about not wanting to stay in a marriage where your partner doesn't understand that he is hurting you tremendously by his behavior & is not willing to abandon that behavior & being defensive about it (it is not like it is crucial to his survival or self-growth or enlightenment, I wouldn't think). Oh well, she will have to come to a decision & I will support her whatever it is & be a listening ear.

Sorry to get off track here. Cheating (cyper, phone, letter, smoke signals even (I suppose) hurts most women terribly & it takes them a long time to recover (if ever) in my opinion.--Suzy