That is SO me, it's as if you got inside my mind and my heart and pulled it out. I have done all those things as coping mechanisms and so much more. Strangely, I was just explaining to someone in PM what exactly I do to try to *minimize* the inevitable hurt that I *know* is going to hit me. I'm not sure when and by who but I know it's out there just waiting for the time when I'm must vulnerable, like now. If I were to get hit again now, I would be destroyed, completely destroyed. I'm feeling extremely fragile right now and barely hanging on by a thread as it is. I'm scared, I'm very scared, waiting for it. I want to withdraw back within myself like I did for the last 2 days but I was coaxed out but now here I am feeling very, very raw and extremely vulnerable. I HATE feeling like this. I wish I knew how to feel differently but I don't. So, I sit here like a defenseless lamb waiting to be slaughtered.