Turned up like a faithful dog to T today. I haven't mentioned here before, that when I was going through some heavy stuff with one of my daughters, T yawned. Oh I know a yawn means many things and proberly wasn't even about me, but none the less, that yawn hurt me.

I did tell T next session about how that made me feel, and she didnt defend the yawn, and she did bring it up herself on another occassion. Then last week as I was talking about heavy stuff, there was the "joke" T made and to be honest at the time It didn't bother me, not like the yawn, but I must admit that I have been wondering if she has been experiencing counter-transference toward me, perhaps acting toward me like my adoptive mother would? Indifferent and not taking my fears seriouisly.

As I say I turned up today and once again told T I still do not feel that connectedness with her, and told her how I feel I have lost something, and how the world feels differently and the ways I use to find to bring me some joy have been lost and I am stuck in a kind of "pergutory"..I told her I just walked out of work this morning, just had this feeling come over me that I needed to get home and just lie down and breathe.

T said remember we were trying to connect your disconnectedness over the last few weeks to the tiem you found out you were adopted? She said actually I think these feelings are from earlier then that, they come from the time when you could only just concentrate on breathing to survive, the time when you were first adopted, the times you say you never cried as a baby, like now you are presenting more calmer than usual on the outside but you are indicating on the inside you are falling apart? like as a baby? I said, yeah thats just how it is, then T said, how do you feel about taking time of sick and having more sessions? I was stunned, I first just nodded no, then I said, look I can't take time of work and I can't financially afford mroe sessions. T said won't your doctor give you time off? I said, I don't know, T then said, I could write to him? then she said is it only finances that stop you coming more? I said yeah, Then T said, would you email me every day then? I was like, what???? whats going on? I Mean I felt nice, but why the sudden change in her approch? shes never been so forthcoming like this. I said well I;ll try and email you but I don't know what I might say, but yeah I guess emailing will help give me the "now" I feel that is missing at the moment. But geez, what has she seen thats different?