Hi and thank you all for your responses.

WHAT I DID:

I printed off a bunch of information about communication in a relationship and took it home, tied it with a pretty ribbon/string and left it on her bed.

A BIT MORE HISTORY --

Rightfully, IMHO, nobody here "took sides" exactly and I get the feeling you understand and also that more information would help. I focus again on the issue of improving communication. Here is where I start --

Way back when when we first got together, I did not identify myself as a survivor of CSA and in fact, would have wanted to keep the secret. That didn't happen. My behaviors were mysterious to her and she pushed for deeper, more intimate knowlege of me. She routinely objected to the point that i could "touch' her but she could not "touch" me and this was an issue for her. It made her feel inadequate.

The most explosive piece, though, is the anger piece. I remember that on a ride across country, our first trip together, she got p*ssed @ me and called "three minutes" and she punched me in the shoulder out of anger and I got it, but that set the stage for what happened next.

Without making excuses (the "one body rule" says that I am responsible for whatever anybody in this body does, with or without my conscious choice or permission) -- there was the day when she was saying the things that made her feel angry and I was totally triggered (routinely) and the anger face and the loud voice and everything else triggered to defense mode and the end result (I shamefully admit it) was that she was "in my face" and I attacked -- defensively I now understand but it took me a very long time to come to that point of understanding the defensive nature of it and yes, i still feel quite a bit of shame behind it becuase in my FOO there WAS violence and I did not ever want to perpetrate that on another. Unfortunate? Yeah. Sad? yeah. So to protect her, I shut down.

I learned to avert eye contact so i would not be so triggered. I found myself switching to child mode rather than attack mode. her safety/her resentment still. the child cannot be adult and she hates that. the attack/warrior cannot negotiate. she hates that.

some time ago, i learned that spirit could do well with her but spirit -- female that she is -- has no vestment in the relationship. again, wrong aspect presenting. spirit has the advantage, though, of trying to be understanding and filtering through a lot of the stuff.

most recently we know poet as front in this relatoinship but the language of poet is . . . maybe a bit too symbolic???? she doesn't "get him" although he has a deep love (I didn't know that, I thought it was Mike who loved her so much but now I see that there is the place where two aspects [maybe more] meet?) for her. This is the place where she needs -- to know that she is loved.

Still, her biggest issue (one of them) is my failure to maintain a solid presentation in the face of arguments/argusations.

I know that maybe this should go to the DID forum, but I was so hoping i could get a more "normalized" or less dissociative at the very least, set of inputs. Still hoping. Still coping.

As re therapy: let's be real -- I have tried very hard over a few therapists to deal with the dissociative issues with stacatto success and presently, i still struggle to 1) locate and 2) afford the kind of support i need to help me really deal with these issues. People just don't believe. And I'm a bit too tired to fight. I take what I can get where it comes from and keep moving.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

I want to be able to effectively communicate with her. It is extremely frustrating for her but I feel like I have done a hellova job to find a way to first of all remember the contents of a conversation, also to identify and figure out ways around the triggers. it so does not help when she says

"LOOK At me when i'm talkign to you"

which is guaranteed to sink me into child mode or awaken the sleepng dragon which is even more problematic.

I WANT to protect her, i WANT to keep her safe from me even. And i have done so. but the cost of my efforts has been an increased sense of alienation on both our parts.

HELP!!!!!