Today was a weird day. I don't look sad on the outside when I go to work but I don't feel fulfilled on the inside either like I did when I had a lot more nurturing relationships in my life. I have gained 15 pounds as of today (I got on the scale cause I KNEW that the weight had gone up). I thought "I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT!" but I know the real issue is that I eat for pleasure and to feel fulfilled cause the fulfilling relationships in my life are gone. I feel like I'll never find replacements for my relationship with my sister because she's known me my whole life. Who else can speak to a history of knwoing me that long? And I feel like I'm so hard to get to know (cause I'm so in my head) that it would be impossible for anybody else to know me that well.

As I type this I think to myself that maybe that isn't true. That people I build connections with actually do get me pretty well. They see me. Maybe its not impossible to find people who understand me and see where I'm coming from. I think that maybe it's possible to have friendships where I feel as loved and appreciated as I did in my friendship with my sister. I think its possible to have that. What do you guys think? I do wish that my current friends would friggin call me back though. It would help this theory a lot and would make me feel a lot less lonely in a time when I really need my friends to be there for me!

Anyhoo, my thought for today is that it is possible to have loving, lasting connections with people who get me, love me, and understand me. Thanks for reading all of these words...pages and pages full of words.