I have been maintaining my weight for 7 weeks now. It is low and everyone is telling me I am too skinny and despite the fact that I want to lose more, I managed to hold on for 7 weeks. But I am leaving for Aruba for 5 days with my husband on Thursday morning and since packing over the weekend I have been struggling with my food and still working out and dropped 2 more pounds. I know this is bad, I was trying to avoid this but my fear won out and I couldn't eat much.
And now I am down more and have to face the fact that I am in trouble. But I don't want to deal with it, I just want to be skinny and I still feel fat even though everyone is telling me otherwise. I am so confused. I had 14 yrs of recovery after 2 hospitalitazions 20 yrs ago. I was doing great, I felt great and I know I looked good. And now I am so far into relapse and it happened so fast and I don't know how to stop. I have a therapist and tomorrow night I am starting a support group but will that be enough to get me over my fear of gaining weight? And to keep me from losing any more?
I didn't think I would lose anymore, I thought I was safe and now I know I am no longer safe, I went too far but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to fix it. I still feel so fat. I wanted this trip to Aruba so badly and now it wont even be fun - I can't eat, I wont drink because of the extra calories and my husband is going to be very aware of this. How can that be fun? I just want to get away with him and for it to be good but I am scared it wont be.
Because of me.