Hi,

my name is S. and I'm 23. I've lost my mum on last June 29th. She had lung cancer. She was 51.
She was diagnosed with lung cancer about three years ago. It was in a very early stage and it was fortunately operable. She did surgery and got the cancer removed. Doctors prescribed chemo therapy that was long and very painful for her. Her hair fell off and felt very weak for a long time. There were a lot of side-effects, but she never gave up, she went through all. She has been fine for one year and half.
Precisely one year ago she had a pleuric and a pericardic effusion, so we've taken her to the hospital to get the liquids drained. We (I and my family) were totally scared but all seemed come back to normal.
Her oncologist, then, wanted her to take a new drug to keep under control the possible replications of cancer cells. But soon the effects of this new drug have disappeared, leaving all side-effects and starting off a paraneoplastic syndrome.
Two months ago, on May 7th, my mum has taken in a clinic. She has been (badly) cured for a new pleuric effusion. Two week later she was taken to the hospital because the syndome caused intestine infarcts, she was in a lot of pain, kind of unconscious, but doctors were great and treated the infarcts and the situations was going better. On May 30th, my birthday, I went to the hospital to see my mum, I was really happy because doctors were talking about letting her out on the next weekend. I was going to get out of her room with the rest of my family, when she felt a strong pain in her chest. We called a doctor. The syndrome hit again, this is an heart infarct and another surgery is required. The surgery was successful. She spent three or four days in the ICU. Fortunately her conditions got better and better. Doctors talked about discharging, again. On June 11th, my mum was discharged and we took her home. I was happy like never before. Having her home was paradisiac. I could be with her all day, if I wanted. On June 12th, I and my two sisters were at home, my dad went to work and my mum was in the bathroom and she was washing up. I was sat at my computer in the living room and I see her going to the sofa and having difficult breathing. I and my sisters start questioning her. She couldn't answer. We thought it was for the fatigue, caused by the unresolved pleuric effusion she still had. We called the doctor and my dad. She had an ictus this time because of the syndrome. She had the left side of her brain damaged, so she couldn't move her right arm and leg and she wasn't able to see on her right, but most of all she was aphasic. She couldn't speak. Her last days were a lot more than horrible. She was in a lot of pain. We all, family and friends, stayed with her until she has flown away.

I deeply loved my mother and what happened to her is devastating me. I cannot accept she is no longer here. I cannot accept I won't look in her eyes again. I cannot accept I will not get another hug or kiss from her. I cannot accept I won't listen to her voice again. I wasn't prepared for this at all. I don't have a lot of pictures together or recent pictures... you never think this could be the last time you see, speak, kiss, look at your mother. You think you have all the time of the world. I don't know where to start to try managing this pain. When I have family or friends around is easier. They involve me in activities, but feel I have lost interest in things I used to do when she was here and when I'm alone or I try to study or to focus on anything, my concentration disappears and I start thinking of my mother and how much I miss her. I feel I can't face nor bear her absence. It's like she is far away and I'm waiting for her to come back, but she never will and it really destroyes me realizing she won't be with me on major events that may be in my life.

I'm so sorry if this entry is way too long, but I tried to summarize three years of events, so it's not even the whole story. I decided to write here because I can't speak to friends or anyone here about my mum. I can't tell them "she has passed away", I just block when I try to say this sentence and I don't know why, as everybody knows what happened to her. I tried to share my story in this way, maybe there's someone else who lives unfortunately a similar situation and capable to get what I'm feeling now.

Saluti.
S.