Yes, you read it correctly.

I am presently having some major financial problems due to:

-spending sprees when I was hypomanic
-impulsively spending money without thinking of the consequences, even when not hypomanic
-only being at my job for two months, after one month of not working, and a whole year of working only part-time before that.

An example of money that I spend impulsively when not hypomanic is money for therapy. I will go twice per week, no matter what my financial situation is because I want to go-- and if I want something, I will usually just spend the money on it.

I have been in the habit of taking control of my life and being responsible lately. I realized that if I went to therapy tonight, it would create a large problem for me. I called him on Sunday and left him a message to let him know about this. I felt crappy this weekend, and had a lot of depersonalization on Sunday. I wasn't sure how to cope wiht it since I made the decision to not self-injure. I did get through it without self-injuring.

T called me back yesterday morning and told me that we could "pretend" he was seeing me in the daytime, rather than the evening (the agency has this new policy where evening appointments cost more than daytime appointments). He said I could pay him the rest of the money whenever I could afford it. He said that at first he wasn't sure if he was going to offer this or not, but he felt I was doing well with seeing him two times per week.

Do you know how %#@&#! gut-wrenching it was to hear my T actually be in favor of me coming twice per week, and then offer a reduced fee, where I could pay him the difference when I could afford it-- and know that I couldn't accept his offer? I told T that I would think about it and call him back later.

I called him in the late afternoon and left him a message stating that I had incredible appreciation for what he offered me-- however, I would stick with canceling my session for tonight. I told him that my financial situation would not get better if I continued to spend money on things that I want, but cannot afford; additionally, even if I do a "buy now, pay later" type of thing, all it is going to do is add up in the end. The money will still have to be spent.

T and I agreed that it would be beneficial in my therapy to attempt to hold onto the connection for a week. I don't know that I will be able to go twice next week either-- most likely, I will not, because I have taken on the additional expense of meeting with a former professor every other week for supervision.

I spoke to T today and he told me I could call him or email him anytime I need to this week.