I walked into therapy this evening and said "Guess what?" T looked up at the ceiling as if to say, "Now what?"

I said to him (rather loudly) " I didn't call you!" Then I go, " I don't know if you noticed but I did, and I was able to hold onto you and us and myself over a weekend with my sister." Then I also told him about how I attended the SI support chat and made a list of things I can do instead of cutting.

I told him about how I thought that maybe sometimes when I feel invisible that I am afraid that he loses sight of me too and that I cease to exist. I literally am lost at times and can't find myself. T explained that (psychologically speaking) babies only exist in their mother's presence and reflection. So, a baby finds herself when her mother cooes, and smiles and holds and nurtures. I didn't get enough of that when I was a baby. My mother was "absent."

I wonder if (almost two years) is a record for finally internalizing your therapist. Umm, probbaly not. I feel perfectly normal and average.

So, later on in the session (when he was most definitely pushing) I said to T, "Are you trying to %#@&#! me off?" because I am not taking it, I am strong tonight! He laughed.

I am enjoying my existence. Don't know or care if it will last. T said not to worry about what to do with it, just to notice it. Sigh. He is wonderful.