"There are no more barriers to cross. All that I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the viscous and the evil, all of the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted upon others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this there is no catharsis. My punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing."

This is one of the most beautiful monologues I have heard. My conflict is that it completely describes my most inner thoughts. I decided to post this here in hope that someone can guide me in a direction other than the path of destruction that I have been on for so long.

I am unable to seek treatment on my own, and hope that an angel will intervene and carry me through this.