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said I see everything that is caring or nice as manipulation or a trick and though thats a famaliar place for me to be, its also a lonely place.

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I do this too, Mouse. And it's so frustrating for me to hear T say this, because from my perspective, constant suspicion and doubt is warranted! But that's because I constantly expect to be abused, misused, etc.

So I feel ya on this. I try to have faith that by doubting and doubt and testing and testing my T, I am learning that some people can be trusted. I think it's working. Slowly. Verrrrry slowly. The more you notice when you do this, the more able to you will be to catch it when it happens and, eventually, maybe even question your perceptions.