I have no idea what to name this post. T and I have been having sessions once a week, and the ruptures appear to have been silenced and are healing for the moment.

For some reason, I just don't feel settled. I feel constantly on edge. I continue to have that "pulling" feeling to see T MORE than once a week and have to fight to get to the next session. Of course, when the session arrives, I disappears as fast as it comes. Also, I am having so much difficulty thinking that he doesn't resent me after sessions, even when sessions have gone well. I'm starting to feel hopeless, like this is never going to end. I hate it when my anger is flared here and there. I have no energy at the moment. So, while I'm complaining I'm just going to go for it. WHY ME? Why do I have to have this attachment ISSUE that makes me want to leech onto others, which in turn makes them want to run away? Why do I have to have this ego dystonic disorder? I intellectually observe everything I do wrong. How %#@&#! up is that? It's just plain and simple torture and I AM SICK TO DEATH OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Does my T realize that yes, I am making progress, but that I am afraid as hell that this is my fate? Yes, I've told him this a few times. However, he is at home now with his family, and they are safe and sound. I know, I know I can't depend on him, but it hurts so much.

What if I (or any of us) could find a T (in addition to the one I have, of course) that had an attachment disorder that closely was equivalent to mine? We could use each other as a secure base, call as needed, and work our way to exploring the environment. For the nay sayers, I know it wouldn't work. Please allow me to avoid reality for just a little bit. Reality is not exactly my best friend at the moment as he is securely attached.

Thanks for listening to my incessant rant