I'm really struggling with feelings of loneliness and exclusion right now. It may seem somewhat trivial at first. I mean, I spent four days (4th-8th) with my friends, and now I'm whining about being alone. But now that I'm away from them, I realize how inessential I am to their lives. Even when we hang out together, we have little to no interaction (playing video games, watching movies, etc.). Plus, they smoke marijuana, which I do not (anymore, thankfully), and so evry so often they exclude me by default. But tonight they excluded my by choice. They always have some half-a$$ed excuses for why I can't hang out with them ("We're going to the movies, and you don't have money:; "Only so many people are allowed over tonight"; etc., etc.). But what it always boils down to, what their essential message is with all the frills removed is "You're not an integral part of our group, so we don't need you / can't fit you in."

Again, this may seem somewhat trivial. But being back at home for the summer really takes a toll on me, and I need distractions to get by with my sanity intact. I go from having intense structure in my life at college (stressful, but mostly in a good way) to having absolutely no structure back at home. No matter how hard I try, I can't find a job. Plus when at home, old patterns of behavior--bad patterns of behavior--reemerge from me, especially old patterns of thinking linked with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I'm generally able to control. So my loneliness right now is blown totally out of proportion according to my feelings. While I rationally know that it's not that bad, it feels like the end of the earth.

Sorry for whining, I just need to vent.

- J -