I have no clue why I can't seem to get out of this icky, disgusting, uneasy, anxious, gut wrenching mode.

I haven't worked in 2 years. I don't know if I can anymore. I want to but I can't even bring myself to be in a store long enough to buy clothes. I've lost 120 lbs, and I still feel so big and I can't bring myself to even look at clothes. I should be having fun.. and I'm not.

I can't stand being alone anymore. I'm climbing the walls. Even when I'm around family, I feel so alone.

I can't handle ANY kind of confrontation. I get sick to my stomache!

People flat out do NOT like me. I don't blame them........... I don't like me either - but what I want to know is what the hell did I do to them. I smile, I'm polite, interested. Not too long ago, I was helping someone put together his new apartment and one of the neighbors began talking to me. Later on I heard her talking outside of the open window telling the maintenance man when he asked her if she met us "I just don't like HER". WHAT?

That's a small example. I stay to myself mostly and it drives me insane. It would help if I wasn't out of the anti-anxiety meds, but I am and my pharmacy is so incompetent... it could take 2 weeks to get a refill because they'll tell me 5 times over the course of a week that I never requested it. Ok... this is stupid. I'm not an idiot! I even take down the date, time and name of the person I spoke with when I request the medication and they STILL claim I never requested it. Is this really a wise thing to do with someone who is filling ANTI ANXIETY MEDS!

I don't want to clean the house anymore. I don't want to cook. I don't want to do anything. I go to the gym daily and spend 2 - 3 hours there. It's very rare that someone actually speaks with me. In the last year, I've had 2 conversations while working on the eliptical and I see my trainer 3 x a week. He's young and has a whole set of youth issues but I don't mind at all when he tells me about them. At least I feel "engaged".

I HAD a bf (long distance) until about a week ago. I guess I can no longer handle his "moods" and his nastiness. I knew him in high school and we reconnected last year (we're both middle aged... 45 and 47), and we got along famously and I've been out to see him a couple of times for a couple of weeks each time. One would think I would have felt better having a man around, but I didn't. I still had this icky, uneasy, anxious, climb the walls, punch a window feeling.

I just want to get high! (Old behavior) ... but I'm so glad I don't know anyone around here. I can't go back there. I can't go forward.... I can't even stay in the middle... I'm just STUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like God doesn't even wanna hear me anymore.

What the hell is wrong with me... why do I feel like CRAP???????????