(((((((((((((((((Orange))))))))))))))yes a lot of this makes sense .... i have PTSD .... and dissossiative amnesia ......it wasn't my dad who abused me, it was my mothers lover .... but because my mum never wanted orlooked after me properly or protected me,even before the abuse started and my dad never ever showed his feelings, if fact he could be quite aggressive a lot of the time. He actually blamed me for mum having all those affairs, he took his frustration out on me, he just about cut me dead when he met his new wife and kids .... my mum contiually put me downin front of everyone... she let the abuse carry on ... she tried to blame my dad that because he didn't show me love i was making a fuss over nothing with my abuser ......

i do tend to go into x mode to cope .... if i'm scared about something i will go into aggressive mode 'over confident' maybe ..... ifi am triggered i tend to withdraw. I know it doesn't seem like it but i am quite a shy person deep inside ... i blush easily, i dont like being in a position where there are lots of people aroun me especially if i know them. Strangers are better because they dont know me.... does that make sense? If i'm sad i will cry and i cant stop even if i am in public, like i have no control ..... i am becomingmore aware of these 'roles' my t has noticed this too ... but i'm begining to wonder which one of them i really am ..... i've worn a mask for so so many years ... people think i am confident and bubbly irl .... but i am so not ..... i will get up and sing in front of loads of people, but i become 'omeone else' maybe like an actress in a role.....sorry this is so long ....

I thank you both ORANGE AND WANTTOHEAL so muchfor being right beside me throughout all this. I have my t and she understands ... but this week i've been really out of it and feeling so childlike .... i daren't talk to my hubby about this i just know he will never understand ...... andi feel kinda strange, all this has happened to me before, but i wasn't aware of it until now .... i have always gone into avoidant mode and gone to bed sucking my thumb for instance, but was so ashamed i wouldn't let anyone see. I have acted like a kid so many times and been slated by my family as none of us understood what was going on ..... i'm ranting, just trying to work it all out ... in my head .... ha .... i'll print this off and show it to my t on tuesday ..... sometimes when i go in there everything goes out of my head .....

thankyou so much, my two friends .... i'm so glad i'm not alone in this love, Jin xoxoxoxoxoxo