I just got in from therapy, and I'm feeling confused and shaken up.

I do know that I dissociate. I grew up in what felt like a situation I might not survive, and I probably started doing it at a young age. I'm aware of it when it happens, although I don't quite feel like I can control it. I just kind of "check out" and it's hard to get back to the present and get grounded. It used to happen ALL THE TIME in therapy, but lately, I've been able to stay present the whole time, and that's been really nice.

I've had two episodes in the past couple of months where I completely forget everything about my life. It happened in the evening both times. Once when I was really stressed and once when I was relaxed. The first time, I couldn't remember anything - places I had lived, the births of my kids, what I did that day. My mind was empty. I was aware of it and trying to remember something, anything at all, but I couldn't. My husband came in eventually and started talking to me about something and I was slowly able to come back to reality. It happened again last week - same thing - this feeling of emptiness in my mind. I laid down in bed to try to read and looked at my arm and it didn't look like my arm. At all. I stared at it for a while and then finally got up and tried (successfully) to ground myself.

Tonight, I was talking to T about how safe I've felt with him lately, and I told him that there's this piece of me that keeps saying to me "what the hell are you doing?!" - and he started grilling me - does that piece of me look like something, sound like something, how old is he/she? I felt really uncomfortable and that's when I just checked out. He said he could feel the change in me - that I pulled back. He said my breathing changed, and even the muscles in my face looked different. The whole thing was upsetting and I wanted nothing more than to get back to the grounded, safe place. We worked together and I think we kind of brought me back there, but not totally. I still feel kind of different.

Once I got grounded, I told him that the questions he was asking me were making me really uncomfortable. He was proud of me for being able to tell him right then, in session, and I guess that was good.

Really, I feel like there is this "young me" who feels really safe and playful with T. Who feels loved and okay. It was almost like she left today and "suspicious me" took her place.

I have no diagnosis, other than PTSD. But I feel really really weird right now. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? I guess I'm looking for help figuring out what's going on with me.