I do worry Orange I feel so lost. like i'm floundering around in space ... not knowing which way to turn, who i am ..... i have a house full of lads playing their instruments and singing and having fun ..... and i feel like ripping their heads off. I should be happy my son has his friends here .....

I want to just go to bed and sleep til its all over. I feel like digging my mask out and wearing it again for ever....it's so much easier than this. Just put on the painted face, smile, be bubbly old Kerry and be done with it .....

I dont know what to do with myself anymore .... sometimes i feel like going away in the middle of the night and not leaving a clue to where i am so that Tony and the kids can get on with their lives and not have to bother with all my problems. I cant stand the guilt you see .... they deserve better ....

supposed to be going to see friends tonight .... i just dont wanna go .... i dont want to talk, make the effort, anything ....

i just wish all this was over ...... i am sick of my own whining, negative thinking, just cant stop it. I sometimes wish .... well ..... thoughts i just feel like a waste of oxygen, space ...... it's such an effort trying all the time, i ran out of energy ......

k