The first thing I said when I entered T today was "well that didn't work" meaning the emails. T replied "no not at all". I tried to explain to her how her email about caring sent me into orbit. Basically I told her, being nice is for nice people and I've already seen my truth, seen my evil, my adoptive mother showed me that. I said can you imagine making a sand castle and sitting back admiring it, and then someone puts there foot on it and says, thats only sand, nothing else, well thats how I feel about my insides, there only evil and nothing else.

T said that I have internalised my adoptive mothers sadism and am constantly attacking it from within, that the evil that my adoptive mother said was in me, was actually hers.

When I got home I emailed T and said I know you dont need an apology for my email the other day, but I feel the need to give it. T replied that I am right she doesn't need an apology, she realises how difficult this is for me but she also said its good that I felt I could give her an apology.

SIGH, SIGH, SIGH.