I'm sorry this is hard. I have the same struggles in T. Sometimes it feels like I need to prove how awful I am, because T just doesn't see it. It feels like what was done to me left a black mark on my insides, so that now I am tainted forever.

I am impressed that you were able to apologize and I think going through this hard time with your T may help you be able to accept that you are, at heart, a good and worthwhile person.