Most of the time I post, it's about how good I feel about my T or my session.
Most of the time I do feel good about T and the session, or most of it.
But while I feel those feelings somewhat when I'm there, mostly I feel them after the session.
T was right when a few weeks ago she said I am 'stoic' in session, particularly compared to how emotional and distressed I am when I call her (as I am encouraged to do) between sessions.
I want to feel my feelings in the moment, while I'm there. But I "feel" after I'm safely in my car, or even better back home in my apartment.

It's my history to go away to feel. One of the last summers my Dad visited, we were sitting outside on the front porch one warm, sunny summer morning talking and he said he could never understand why I would "take off" when I was upset and not cry there at home. It's true I did that, walking and crying and angry or hurt or whatever, for as long as it took until I could return home completely composed and as if nothing had happened. When he said that I was amazed at his memory and insight, and I feel guilt and shame to this day that I also couldn't be there in that moment and tell him why I did that. I couldn't respond to his interest and curiosity there in the moment.

I want to feel my feelings in session. I think it would be a wonderful and exciting thing to experience and yes I know all the feelings won't be ones that feel good. I need to get those others out there, I know. Those are the ones that I fantasize being able to get out in session but I can't. As I'm driving there, the closer I physically get to her place, the farther I feel from myself emotionally. It sounds extremely defensive, yet I love going to my appointments.

Sometimes in session I do become emotional, but mostly that is when I'm relaying a fantasy to her; perhaps this is one purpose of the fantasies.
I want to feel there, in the moment. I work on it and work on it but it doesn't happen. Not there. I can feel and be present only when I'm completely alone. How do I transform this to a therapy setting?

Anyone else struggle with this? Did it resolve? How?

Early on in our relationship, when I would struggle and call often right after sessions, she would simply ask me to trust the process and don't give up. I still think of that and I wonder if it's still applicable, or if there is some place I should have got to by now, along some kind of therapy continuum. We talked about that the last two sessions, talked about aspects of it. She said she feels I am more open with her and I definitely talk more and asked if I thought so. I do-- I hardly spoke for 9 months! I do feel more comfortable and I feel like I can say anything but I still am 'stoic' just as she said.

How do I get to really feeling free to feel, to be me (whoever that is) there where I really do feel comfortable? What is missing? What is in the way? I can't see it. Can you help?