I’m planning to read my therapy notes.

Saw a T for 13 years over a 17-year period—from 23 to 40. 3 years out of town + some breaks = the other 4 years. Went through a hell of a lot.

Had really painful termination in 2004—abrupt termination by her Walked into session, was told that was it; that was it. It’s too long a story, but of the things going on I wasn’t told--initially why she was terminating, other than that it was unethical to keep seeing me She ended up giving a few different reasons—to me and to my p-doc. T said I could call her to help me transition to someone else—she provided references. Talked once about an admin matter of the termination. 2nd time she told me she c/wouldn’t talk on the phone again, but could write. Wrote a couple of things re: more admin issues, then told she won’t read anything else. Though I was crushed and furious, all of that communication from me was polite, balanced—not harangues. I had my p-doc go over it before I sent it.

After a few months I requested my records, initially just for the immediate period—2 months—until termination. The records I got were incomplete, and had my p-doc request on my behalf the rest of that period—rec’d what supposedly was all of them. I then requested everything, consistent with state law, HIPAA, and APA. I was considering taking action with APA and state board—won’t explain the grounds for that, and when she asked why I wanted them, I mentioned that as one reason. She said she’d send them to me. Got a letter sayign she wouldn’t release them to me because it could be harmful to my mental health. T’s here are required to release to a 3rd party mental health professional if requested—with patient permission, so she sent them to him. I didn’t push him to go through them immediately b/c I was so conflicted about reading them and pursuing any action was something I decided not to pursue.

That p-doc released all of them to me in fall 2006 when he left practice. He didn’t see anything that might be harmful to me.

Now I’ve had them since fall 2006 without reading them, and want to read them now.

I’m afraid that I might get really bent out of shape by stuff in there. Who knows what she wrote? I went thru some really, really heavy stuff. I finally feel like I want to put it behind me and finally read them. But I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about this stuff or lean on if I do get really knocked around psychologically and emotionally.

The fear is about what she might have said, not with the underlying issues or with what I might have said or done back then—that’s cool with me. But due to the horrible termination situation—I was messed up for about 9 months, and it’s kept me from getting a new T—absolute lack of trust in them and the process (though I saw someone for 5 sessions last winter; we just didn’t click and she did psychoanalysis, not what I want/need—that was 3 years after termination with initial T). After having massive abandonment issues with parents, and 17 years with a T who says she’ll never abandon me, she did—in my eyes.

I don’t even know if the records are complete—as she withheld some the first time around.

Any advice from others on reading your records like this? Coping measures? I’m determined to do it—after 3.5 years of lead-up time since originally requesting them and almost 2 years of personally having them. I’m seriously thinking about getting back into therapy, but first I have to move on. Closure. From that earlier stuff. If I don’t, I’ll ruminate about what’s in there forever. That’s the way I am; know thyself, and that’s just how I am.

Been there/done that? Wisdom? Resources?

Thanks