Hey. I went through a period of requesting and then reading my notes, too. Then... Requesting again as they didn't send me the complete notes the first time etc etc.

After a time... I wondered if there was some repetition compulsion or something like that going on from my part. I would feel upset in reading them. I'd think 'oh my god! they interpreted what I did there in that way?' and 'but that wasn't what i was trying to convey at all!' etc etc. A lot of it was fairly distressing / hurtful to me.

So... The million dollar question really was: Why did I keep putting myself through that with reading them?

I'm not quite sure on the answer. Partly... It was that I wanted to know what they thought of and about me. I wanted to know. The non sugar coated, upfront version. Part of it was that I thought that if I looked hard enough into how they saw me then maybe I'd see myself. Maybe I'd find me in there somewhere.

Only... I didn't really. I saw their interpretation... And while it is one take, they certainly don't have unmediated access to some objective truth (I'm not actually sure that there is such a thing).

I'm not quite sure what to say. I'd kinda know this... Know that reading them would hurt... But I'd still feel compelled to read them. At the moment I have them stored in another country. If they were here... I'm fairly sure I'd still be reading them at times. Hang in there. Maybe... If you can resist... I'd suggest... Don't do it. I'm not at all sure you will find closure in there. I think it is more likely that a wound will be reopened with careless words that were written in haste when a clinician was in a bad mood...