Hi Echoes,
GREAT post!
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Anyone else struggle with this? Did it resolve? How?
Early on in our relationship, when I would struggle and call often right after sessions, she would simply ask me to trust the process and don't give up. I still think of that and I wonder if it's still applicable, or if there is some place I should have got to by now, along some kind of therapy continuum
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Yes I struggle with this as well. It hasn't completely resolved but it definitely has "improved." Funny, but I think the way I was able to begin to feel in session was through a couple of things. First of all, I began to notice when I was holding back and I would just say it right there. I would just say to T that I didn't feel matched to my feelings or that I was feeling something inside but couldn't put it into words. I guess I sort of try to remove the veneer I have placed there.
Second, believe it or not, the ruptures that T and I had made me more able to speak my mind and feel in the moment. Sort of a "wtf I may as well" reaction. The last rupture was entirely in-session and I think I cried for 45 minutes straight. Boy oh boy did I ever feel in the moment. It just came and I let it. (But that was over a year and a half into therapy.) I couldn't possibly top that so now anything else that comes up pales by comparison. I've already completely embarrassed myself so....
Third, I would say that time is your ally. I think that just continuing as you are is your best bet right now. Over time, we feel safer and safer in the relationship. Eventually, that feeling of safety will break down the defenses we hold unconsciously. You have noticed this and you want to change it. I guess that is the beginning of bringing the unconscious to light. So, just keep on keeping on and then notice it in session. Have faith in you, it will come.
Echoes, I have also felt that I must be way far behind in the "therapy continuum" as you say. Of course, that is probably an old feeling. I'm beginning to think that I have finally arrived at the place where the real work begins.
Peace
