My situation started off somewhat similar....only I was a software/firmware engineer in aerospace......the project was over & I couldn't get into any other technical position that fit my abilities.....so I ended up taking a glorfied secretarial position......where I was setting up the tecnhical library & leading a group on how to control your software versions as they develope. I didn't know a dang thing about what I was doing & initially wasn't just couldn't get myself to even do the job half-way.......as 6 months passed, I was able to BS my way into them thinking I knew what I was doing by learning all the right Buzz words & then even wrote a presentation for a national seminar they forced us to do & it was accepted.....go figure....I didn't know anything about the words I put down on paper, but had to put them down as part of the job.

I was having such horrible anxiety attacks, all I would do was go into my office & sit there & cry........luckily, I had a private office......but it kept getting worse & by thanksgiving, all I could do was survive until Christmas break......then I just couldn't go back & kept calling in sick until the Northridge earthquake hit in 1994 & collapsed the road to work, so I couldn't get there & then when they finally cleaned up some of the mess, it was taking 6 hours to drive to work & they wouldn't let me work from home.....obviously....the job was not something I could really do from home anyway.

The thing is that when we realize we are having a prolem functioning on the job....sometimes it's better to figure it out before they do & gracefully make an exit.....I ended up taking 6 months leave of absense, knowing quite well at the time I left I would never be going back as there was no way I could continue working in a place where I felt that way.

The fact is that certain jobs have certain requirements & when we can't full fill them......we are really better off leaving when we know we should & when we have the perfect out because we know we aren't working at the full need of the job & they are really better off without us.....even though we want to feel needed to wrap up what we were doing......sometimes they just don't see it that way....& would really rather have us leave at the point it's decided we will be leaving.

This situation of course is dependent on the people & the job......The fact is that certain jobs aren't flexable nor to the people running them want to be flexable & understanding because the job needs to be done perfectly & on time correctly & there is no room for error......those are the things that we need to be aware of & gracefully leave at the best possible minute rather than thinking they will appreciate our good intentions & best efforts........some jobs that might be possible....others, it isn't & those are the things we need to be aware of also.....just as we expect them to be aware of our situations. It really is a 2 way street out in the working world.

I know the horrible anxiety feelings you are going through....& I know the horrible anxiety feeling trying to figure out how to best possibly handle the situation.

I would take my leave & try to figure out if disability might not be an answer.....or look at another career that requires less pressures on being 100% perfect.....but I would't use the time to try to recover so you can go back......as you will only end up exactly where you are right now.....after a few days if you decide to return.

I know you have a lot of decisions to make & when you are in the middle of anxiety attacks, one can't make decisions......so it's best to just take as much time as possible & just do nothing.....just calm down.....after that....decide what action you need to take to keep from ending up back in the throws of anxiety attacks.....sometimes we have to realize there is nothing we can do & accept that also.......but it is a decision to be made once you have clamed down & can make good judgments rather than reacting to situations.

Based on my own experience,
Debbie