Lately I have noticed that certain thoughts and feelings about T don't hurt as much as they used to. The need is not as painful. I (thought) I had accepted the fact that I can't be with him 24 hours per day, and that I can't marry him, lol.

So the other day, I conjured up some impure thoughts about T, hahahaha... just to see what my reponse would be. I actually thought to myself, "Oh no, I couldn't do that with T-- it would ruin our relationship. I want to feel connected with him on a level that is emotionally intimate, not sexual."

This was a big step for me because I have struggled with erotic transference for a long time. I have trouble understanding that a relationship with a man can be this intimate without sex. I have felt that attraction towards him, and I have wanted him to feel it towards me.

So after thinking that I was making it past erotic transference, I had a dream last night that I sex with T. In the dream T said, "This whole rule against therapist/patient sexual relationship is ********. Don't worry. I had supervision about this." Then, in the dream, I asked T what his supervisor said about all of it. He refused to tell me.

So of course, I go to therapy today and tell him all of it. I tell him about the dream and I tell him about the thoughts I had of engaging sexually with him. He goes, "Does it make you feel embarrassed?" I want to get up and choke him. I yelled, "NO! I absolutely couldn't wait to get here and tell you that not only did I have a sexual dream about you, but I purposely and consciously conjured up sexual thoughts about you!!"

Then I told T that all of the dreams that I have ever had about him, have had some sort of sexual theme to them. Then T goes, "So do you think you would stop feeling like you want to have sex with your therapist?" And I go, "I NEVER SAID I HAD THOSE FEELINGS!!!" (Hahahaha, this was immediately after telling him that I had sexual thoughts and dreams about him).

So T went on to say that it is totally normal for me to have these feelings because of the intimacy of the relationship-- he said that it is natural that I would want to get as close as possible to the person that I am experiencing deep levels of emotional intimacy with.

Then he asks me what the most difficult part is. He goes, "Do you feel rejected?" Of course, I answer, "NO! THAT IS SO STUPID." And then I said, "Yeah, of course I feel rejected. I am only accustomed to my relationships with males having a sexual element to them." T said, "In the past, if you felt physically attracted to someone, it was easy for you to have the relationship turn sexual. In this situation, it is impossible." Yup. He's right.

Then I told him that I felt a major misattunement during most of the session. He asked when it started. I silently thought to myself, "When we started talking about sex." I stayed silent. T goes, "When we started talking about sex?" I said, "%#@&#! you." Then I said, "Yeah. When we started talking about sex." Then I put my big Jackie-O sunglasses on and T made me take them off, lol.

There was misattunement because the whole thing got mixed up when T started talking about the parts of my feelings that were applicable to my husband. I was so confused because I understand which feelings were directed towards T and which were really transference in regards to my husband. There were definitely elements of both, and tons of overlap... but I couldn't sort anything out from it.

Even worse, I couldn't express any of it because I think in colors and shapes, and that is out of my control. So my feelings of misattunement was only showing up in my head as a sharp, orange shape with lots of edges, and all these long black sticks on the orange thing, overlapping with each other. T is very familiar with the fact that I "see" my emotions, so I was only able to describe to him what I was seeing. It gets frustrating when I can't put words to it, but he's usually pretty good about "joining" my way of thinking and adapting to my weird pictures.

So the session was a bust. I don't feel like I got anything out of it that I didn't already know (he even said that when he was interpreting some of the stuff-- "I know you already know this..") I'm not sure where to go from here. There is a lot that I don't know, in regards to how this gets mixed up with my husband, but those are the parts that became to overwhelming to understand and/or compartmentalize.

It gets worse: When I see T on Saturdays, there are never any other Ts in the office. Just him. He doesn't see any other clients that day. Just me. When I walked out of the office today, a woman was sitting there. She smiled at him. Luckily, I did not find that she was very attractive. But anyway, it still killed me. A woman? On MY Saturday? I felt like scratching her eyeballs out.

Ugh. So now I have to go back week after week, as the patient who wants to sleep with her therapist, but that's okay because it is "acceptable" and "normal." Great. I mean, it's not like he didn't know this before, but I guess the worst part is this-- I walked in thinking I had less erotic feelings for him, and I walked out with more than ever.