It is kinda interesting that you were feeling the erotic transference feelings lessen... And that you seemed... Ambivalent about that (I'm not sure)? And so you attempted to conjure up some feelings...

Is it partly about your not quite knowing how to relate to him if you don't feel that for him?

And then in the session... Talking about the erotic transference feelings... You felt misattuned...

Was that maybe related to an ambivalence in the degree of intimacy you wanted? That when you are talking about something deeply intimate (sex) then you feel misattuned... But that when you are talking about something less intimate then you feel more attuned?

I don't know.

I've been reading a lot about object relations lately since my therapist offered an object relations interpretation of some of our inter-personal dynamics.

I haven't talked to him about erotic transference. I've talked to him a little about little kid idealized transference - but not about grown up wanting to %#@&#! him transference. When we talk about the transference in session then I find that I really can't look at him at all. It is like... Because we are talking about something so deeply intimate I need to avert part of myself.

So maybe... It is about ambivalence? Ambivalence is hard... Hard to think that you can really like and care very much for someone... But that you can (at the very same time) also want to keep yourself distinct from them. I find this hard... Hard that other people see me this way... But then... I also crave boundaries. Maybe because... While merger into other people can feel wonderful at times, often I want to retain my independence too. Ambivalence is hard...

Maybe it is about integrating the object (both him and you). In the sense that... You can care for him very much while at the same time not wanting to merge / lose yourself in him... In the sense that... He can care for you very much while at the same time not wanting to merge / lose himself in you...

Perhaps?

Not sure what I'm on about really...