I used to have an understanding with one of my therapists that I could audio tape the session to listen to later. It helped A LOT with respect to what was actually said in the session. Quite often I'd find that what she had said was really quite different from what I remembered her saying - or from what I interpreted her as saying at the time. I haven't asked my current therapist if we could do this, though. Maybe because... I don't think it is something he typically does, and I've done enough of that kind of requesting already (with phone and email contact). But I surely know what you mean about whole chunks of the session being forgotten until something triggers the memory back. I find it happens with me and my sessions all the time.

Ah... So sounds like it might be a defence against the differentiation / healthy object relations thing. On the upside... Seeing this... And being able to see the object in an integrated way is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH harder than one might think. One might be able to do it for 5 minutes here... and 3 days there... and several hours there... But getting better involves being able to do it most of the time and (on the upside) I think we both are pretty far away from that indeed :-)

(So while it constitutes progress it is NOWHERE near the progress that results in termination)

:-)

I think... Desires for intimacy are meant to ebb and flow over time like the seas lapping on the shore. Sometimes we desire to be close to people (e.g., when anxious / stressed or as part of caretaking / soothing them when they feel similarly). Othertimes we desire to be less close to people (e.g., when we are focused on our goals and ambitions or when we are emersed in some independent or group activity even). Desires for intimacy are meant to ebb and flow... But I don't think they are meant to be as intense (either the desire for closeness or the desire for seperateness) as we experieince them to be.

So... Progress... And steps forward most definately... But with each step forward (each step towards integration) things just will dissolve into their own new polarity. That just will happen, quite naturally. We don't need to do anything at all to ensure that, it just does happen.

I think progress is about seeing polarities, integrating them... Finding new polarities, integrating them... Over and over and over again. Sometimes old polarities recurr, even. It can be really hard to go with it... And not fight it. Either by attempting to force an integration that one can't quite see... Or by attempting to force a new polarity because one is afraid of what it means to have an integrated view. I think life just is that process... Over and over and over again. one and two and one and two and one and two... Clearly I'm nuts :-)

Sometimes I think life is supposed to be like... An orcestra, or something. Where each voice is distinct such that one could focus on that and follow just one all the way through... The distinctness and seperateness is there and apparent... But where there are times where that voice does kinda merge with others into some integrated sound... And where mostly what one hears is a kind of dance or interchange that requires several, distinct voices playing off one another and complimenting each other in order to make a melody or whatever.

So... Seperateness. But seperateness alongside others (so in some felt sense of companionship). And some points of merger... The dance of life...

And of course my metaphors suck... And are all mixed up and stuff... But sometimes I kinda see this... And then, of course, it goes again. Think maybe it is similar to Alanis Morrissettes view of 'Utopia' in her song 'Under Rug Swept'... Seeing it is one thing... Realizing it (for several minutes, or several hours) is quite another... And as for realizing it most of the time... Well... I think that is something that is an ongoing life process, really. Don't think anyone manages to retain it ALL the time.

Disruptions to that simply WILL occur... Simply will...