I am on my own today .... a rare occasion these days .... my house is usually very busy and i dont get a lot of time to proces thoughts.

From when i can remember i have suffered neglect and emotional abuse from my mother .... when i say neglect, everything was ok from the outside .... but she would be awful to me in doors, not around people .... i was fed, had nice things etc ... she would take me on her various trip to sleep with other men, we would hide from angry wives, she would give me orders to stay out of the room when she was sleeping with her best firends husband ... she would leave me alone in the day sometimes to go across the road when her friend was out and her hubby was in ....
when we left Carlisle i was 6. we moved back to Derby because of dads work. She met a pdoc when i was 7/8 and the sexual abuse started .... he would hypnotise me and mum .... he came to my room .... he was a well respected man ... very sly and lied a lot . My mother was besotted by him. She was warned about his child abuse issues.... ignored them .... he took lots of kids camping and caving and rock climbing, it was called the 4297 club and he must have abused lots of kids. I feel guilty i didn't stop him before .... but my mum never believed me and she was in love wih him so i didn't want to upset her ......

I became withdrawn and vey shy around people .... i had trouble mixing with people ..... my mum put me down a lot in front of her friends and my family. She would tell awful lies about me ... when i was older one of her boyfriends tried it on with me, i told her and she didn't believe me then either ... she went right ahead and kept seeing him. When Tony and I were engaged we had a big row once .... my mum told him to get out of our relationship while the going was good before it was too late. (meaning before we got married)

My dad took mums relationships out on me he admitted it. He never has much to do with me or my kids now.

I made the decision to not have mother in my life anymore last Christmas ..... andnow I'm thinking of doing the same with my dad ..... he forgets he has 2 grandchildren and treats them like he always treated me ..... like he doesn't give a damn. He is always with my step sister and her kids.

This is a long rant i know .... but somehow i have to explain myself ..... i'm sorry i've not been very supportive just lately .... i am having terrile fights within myself about everything .... i think i'm scared who i really am .... i've never really known who i am because of the various masks i put on to try and please others ..... it scares me i dont know who i am actually ...... maybe that's why i find it so hard to let go of what i know. If ever I've been happy something has come along and ruined it ...... i'm scared, i feel i am cursed or something ..... sometimes if someone gets hurt even if it's aroad i think it's my fault in some way.... stupid.

If i watch a local football match and our team loses it's because i'm watching it .... like i bring bad luck to everything i touch. I know that the way i was raised was wrong, there was no love between my parents, therefore they couldn't have loved me .... though i was better off than a lot of kids in a lot of ways ...... it's just hard thinking all these years maybe i will do something to make them proud, i raise 2 wonderful kids myself who are doing well and going to Uni and still it's not good enough .... now i AM feeling sorry for myself, have to go .....

sorry for the vent Jin