well... he has said that we can have contact. but i wasn't sure *how much* contact he had in mind. he said that if i started seeing someone else then that would be different (which leads me to believe he had some kind of 'therapy' contact in mind)... but then with our recent blow-up.

the thing was... he thought i was being 'demanding'. and that... kinda hurt. i don't think he meant it to hurt... but i think there was something a bit off there... and now i've told him what i think about that, and we will see whether he accepts that or not (about how sometimes people do have needs even though it isn't humanly possible for those needs to be met). so basically (very gently) don't confuse feelings of being unable to meet something... feelings of inadequecy and incompetence... with the other person placing 'demands' on you. i feel inadequate and impotent and hopeless a lot... guess i conveyed that okay... but i don't think it is in response to 'demands' (either from my mother, my therapist, or myself) so much as it is about feeling unable to meet requests that are needs from the others point of view. legitimate needs, even... even if... it isn't humanly possible for them to be met.

the thing is... he FELT like i was placing demands on him that he couldn't meet. and i think that objectively... i haven't done that. but that doesn't change how he FELT. and so... i think it is worth revisiting some boundary issues including limits on email / phone contact. i think... he is a bit of a rescuer... which is nice, really... but... well... i do think i need to take care of him sometimes... which is okay, too. i've never had anyone care about me THAT MUCH which is a bit of a novelty... but then, by the same token, i've expressed rage and he has survived that too which is really nice as well... anyway... we shall see... if he thinks i have indeed been 'demanding' then i'd expect him to provide some limits on phone / email. if he thinks it is just about not being able to meet needs / preferences (rather than demands) then maybe not. i do think... he needs to be careful to take care of himself. and i do think... i should keep an eye to that too... because he really has gone out of his way to help... and i shouldn't abuse his good nature / willingness to do more than is required...

i think this is ok. i think it will be...

the subscription requires a payment. i've never subscribed to a professional journal in my life - make do with university institutional subscriptions. basically... they serve me well and i could interloan anything i wanted... i just wish i had online access to that one... maybe the uni i'm visiting will have institutional subscription :-)

(my library queried my subscription request because they said it was a 'bundle' of about six different subscriptions and as psychoanalysis is becoming more and more of a 'fringe' area the prices that they charge for professional books and articles is exhorbatent indeed... if he has access it is probably through a hospital or... most likely... he has access via the med school to the same library as me...)