Thanks again to all of you.
You know my life ain't grand, it ain't great and most days it would barely pass for ok.

I get lonely. I don't mind being alone, that is not a problem but sometimes I get lonely for someone to just be with who cares. You know, the one you can just be in the room with and you don't have to say or do anything and it's great. You can just be you.

I cope pretty well but somedays I get a reminder of why my life is like this and why it won't be any different and it just hurts. I want it to be different. I want it so badly. There is nothing I can do right now and if given the opportunity I don't know what I would do. It's so confusing.

I got an apology from HIM twice now over the past two days "for being an as***ole" but it didn't matter. It will happen again. That feeling of being in the way, or feeling useless or that I don't matter.

It doesn't happen as much as it used to. Before it was all the time but now it's sometimes and that's just too much.

Right now I am pouring myself all that I can into this house stuff but I know that it will be done in some weeks and I know whats coming. The crash. The day when I should be so happy to be in my house that I have worked so hard on but I don't want to be here. I will crash. It breaks my heart. It's wrong.

I want to belong and be special. I want to matter. My whole life I never felt like I mattered but for a little while I did. I liked it and then it all went away and life became what it is.

Now I am just rambling like a crazy person.
I need you guys. Thanks for being here. It means alot. You see I don't need someone to help me solve a major crisis or to save me or even to help me understand cause I do really get myself and my life. I just need someone to talk to.
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard ~