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Old Jul 13, 2008, 02:38 PM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2007
Location: East of the Sun, West of the Moon
Posts: 3,982
I feel like one of those tiny balls in a pinball machine that keeps rebounding off the sides and only occasionally hits the little thingy that gives a lot of points.

Although I had a rather strong sense of self two days ago that confidence has eroded rapidly. It just seems that it takes so little to derail me and I am frustrated. I am left wondering if this is how the integration works. One day the molecules all come together and then the next day, poof they're scattered again. Maybe these are the polariites Kim was talking about in Pink's thread.

Although I know that T accepts me the way I am whenever I walk into his office, I feel as though I am letting him down by falling apart again--as if he would think come on already, what's wrong with you that you can't sustain this? I am trying to prevent a free fall here, but feel powerless like a little tiny fish swimming against the tide.

This morning I connected with T by leaving a message on his machine. As soon as I got to a certain point I began crying. I hate leaving messages like that. But It does give me a sense of being held--that he will hear my message and I will be connected to him. I can't shake this damned feeling of being lost and alone. I wish I had therapy today.

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