my poor soli

we can share the dwindling rations in our little life raft called therapy while we bob around on someone else's ocean. i feel pretty frustrated as well.

if it helps even a bit, please know that your strength and courage are beautiful to see... even in the worst of times you keep trying to find a way to get out of this.

i know the stuff you have been reading, so i'll give you a quote from Chogyam Trungpa:
"The practice of meditation does not involve... searching for the possibilities of reforming oneself and becoming a better person. [It] is a way of continuing one's confusion, chaos, aggression, and passion - but working with it, seeing it from the enlightened point of view. There is a Sanskrit term for basic meditation practice,* shamatha, which means "development of peace."

i know how inteligent and inquisative you are soli... keep going. Don't doubt your strength, you need not worry about that.

*btw, just a side note for others, meditation comes in different "flavours" and the sort to which i refer here is of the mindfulness variety, specifically the sort taught in Buddhist practice. It isn't the same as deep relaxation, the sorts taught in yoga or the sorts that go with things such as imagery. Those other types have nothing wrong with them, any meditation is good, but there is a real difference in the objectives and the results.