Hey

On Friday, at school, I felt mad. Really mad. Not as in angry, as in crazy mad. Just having hugs with the keyboards from computers, loosing my temper, crying. I found myself poking my friend.

Nothing felt real, everything fake. I felt dizzy. I felt dead and empty, I felt like I hadnt felt for a while.

I don't know, but I told my friend about how I felt. She said I am mad, can I talk to anyone about this?

I found myself thinking that no-one cared, I still feel no one cares, I feel no one really gives a crap.

I am scared, really scared, that one day I will end up on the psychiatric ward. Is this all to do with my depression because someone upset me by calling me a mean person? Maybe I was scared that it's true that I am a mean person. I'm clueless.

I havent had to deal with this for a long time. My depression is getting worse.

I'm seeking another 14 year old male in my position. I know there are loads... but where? Would they understand me? Does anyone understand me? No one understands me. No one has met the real me. But have they? Is the real me, the me I have been since my depression got worse?

Is it my fault?

Am I to blame for my life?

I am positive on one thing, I deserve to be depressed. This is my punishment for getting too social.

I can't handle what I felt on the day again!

I think too many thoughts!

I am useless, a nobody, just another number on the school roll, another number on the goverments list for billing when I become an adult.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am just scared! Just sad! Just messed up!